With So Many Hells in the Afterlife, It's Hard to Choose
Check out these fresh hells -- new levels, bigger bosses, more demons!
Folks, it’s come to my attention that some of you out there are confused. “Please, Holly — help me figure out which hell I should be afraid of!” pops up over and over again in the comments.
The afterlife is chock-full of terrifying alternatives, so confusion is understandable—especially for the convert—in love with some fresh new hell, yet can’t quite leave the ex behind.
The public need for advice on eternal punishment options required I put together this quick run-down, so take notes!
There may be a test at the end.
Christian Hell
Lots of self-satisfied folks around assume they have the golden ticket out of hell, because they’ve “got faith” in Jesus.
Wait, remind me—what does “have faith” mean? Hold on…my sources are telling me to just recite this quick prayer and it’s all set. A few seconds on the lips isn’t much to pay for an eternity of harps and cloud socials, right? So much easier than Kegels, or an hour at the DMV.
Muslim Hell
If you’re Muslim, it’s a tad more complicated. According to the One Path Network, you’ve got to:
Believe in Allah and his Messenger (Muhammad)
Be merciful to others
Pray regularly
Fear Allah to the point of tears — actual tears, okay? (Allah knows when you’re faking!)
Fasting (not because of a fad diet, but, you know—fasting-fasting!)
Make charitable contributions
Ask Allah to save you from hellfire three (3) times
These are all completely doable, of course. Just throw some reminders in your calendar and move spritely ahead.
Hindu and Buddhist Hell
In Hinduism, it’s harder still, because the bad karma you accumulate over a lifetime drags you down like lead weights on a long-distance swimmer. Good karma, however, lifts you up, so you know what you’ve got to do, right? Gentle reminder — Hindu hell is temporary — kind of like juvie for the kid who torched your car last week. When he learns his lesson, he’ll be released upon the greater world, just as you will be after suffering for (what will seem like) eternity in the place of torment.
Buddhist hell works much the same—karma, karma, karma. It’s a horror-movie buff’s worst nightmare—punishment for all the bad shit you did, as well as the good things you failed to do. Bonus — because the Buddhists have had longer to think about and design their hell than the rest of us, they’ve got damnation down to a science. It’s temporary, however—only lasting a lifetime or three—however long it takes you to learn from your mistakes. Once you’ve leveled up, you’re free to roam the world again. Can you do better this time? We’ll see!
Oh, the “oldest hell” thing—why do I say this?
In Jens Braarvig’s article, “The Buddhist Hell: An Early Instance of the Idea?” we learn that hell appeared in the Buddhist texts Kathāvatthu, somewhere between 250 and 100 B.C.E., — possibly the earliest mention of hell in world religion. Moreover, it’s not just a hint or mention, but a full-blown description of after-death punishment.
The discussion in the Kathāvatthu represents what may be seen as a fully developed conception of hell, and thus the Buddhist hell as described by its earliest canonical literature predates the appearance of the idea in most, if not all other religious traditions.
Plato’s…Hell?
I don’t want to quibble, but Plato sketched up an early design of hell around 375 BC in the “Myth (or story, or account) of Er.” It’s part of his Republic, but not one you would have read in Political Science class. Plato describes how Er dies in battle, then goes to the realm of the dead where he watches karmic justice rolling out. He also observes people choosing their next incarnations. After being thoroughly and unquestionably dead for ten days, Er revives on his funeral pyre with a wild story of his time in the underworld.
Okay, your point is well taken — there’s no realm of torment in the Er’s story. The whole thing seems to take a week or two. It does share some elements of near-death experience stories we hear so much about when we’re drooling to YouTube at 3 a.m. So old Plato may have been onto something there.
Norse Hell
Norse hell was apparently constructed out of a solid block of irony. The Norse don’t even have a hell. Good for them but weird for us, because our English word for Satan’s domain of eternal punishment takes its name (through the Anglo-Saxon) from the Norse Goddess Hel and her realm of the same name. Forget about torment and payback; according to Norse Mythology for Smart People, the after-death party’s pretty sweet:
And what do the dead do in Hel or the local variations thereof? They typically eat, drink, carouse, fight, sleep, practice magic, and generally do all of the things that living Viking Age men and women did.
Count me in! Of course, the Norse dead are only able to chill & Netflix until Ragnarök, at which time they’ll join the Gods to fight the Ice Giants…and perish. The Gods will perish, too. Then the universe will collapse into itself, getting smaller and denser and smaller and denser and smaller…like a black hole the size of an electron….
Then ka-blammmmo! The next Big Bang recreates the universe. Some physicists agree with this particular cosmology, by the way. So that’s cool.
Of course, some Norse predict that the Earth will simply sink into the ocean, followed by a new Earth arising, and a new set of Gods. That could happen too.
With so many options, choosing a fresh new hell can be hard
No one would blame you if you just try to extend your life as long as you can, then throw yourself into the hands of fate. Those who want to avoid all the hells — and also have lots of free time on their hands— can get a “get out of jail free” card for each and every realm of fire by simply following all the precepts note above. Get behind those good works, while crying tears of fear and saying short prayers you find on the internet professing your faith. It’ll all be fine in the end. Or it won’t. Sorry!
As for me, I’m buying an advance ticket to Helheim, because a horn of mead beside a leather-clad Viking sounds too good to miss. Skål, ya’ll!
Note to readers: Sigh, I know skål and ya’ll don’t rhyme, but they tickle the eye!
Note to self: Get hell insurance.
A second note to readers: Remember? I told you there’d be a test at the end.
Did you know there's ransom and kidnap insurance? There's insurance for everything, so surely capitalism has a way to get one out of post-death suffering for living a really shitty life. It's all in who you know!