Want to Bring Theocracy to America? Cotton Mather Seekest Thee

Forget abortion laws from 1864 — this 17th century Puritan can take us back to the 1600s!

Image created by the author, using public domaine images from Wikimedia Commons, using Canva.

Cotton Mather Welcomes the Challenge of Bringing Theocracy to the 21st Century

Full job description

Seizing upon the current fervor to bring a Bible-based government back to these shores, Cotton Mather — who made his name at the Salem Witch Trials of 1692 — is founding his own organization. He’s putting together a new team in service of an old dream, to wit — ensure that government, guided by Puritan religion, should control every aspect of Americans’ lives, both public and private, in the most up-in-your-face way possible, 24/7/365.

So, our question to you is, do you have the right stuff?

A bit about who we are

Allow us to introducing the opportunity of a lifetime! By acting quickly, 2024’s graduates can now get in on the ground floor of Mather’s exciting new project: Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God, Inc., (SHAG) which he recently incorporated as “a dark money 501(c)(3) nonprofit in the pocket of certain spectral agencies and shady politicians.”

When pondering which CEO to emulate, consider Mather’s track record. Who better to lead this country into the 21st century than the scourge of colonial Boston? This 17th century Puritan boasts a solid track record in Behavior Modification and Salvation Management, bringing many a wayward sinner to the gates of heaven years before their time.

If bringing America back to the faith of its founding fathers is a goal you can get behind, then get thee behind Cotton Mather.

Mentorship is available.

Apply now for new openings in both stocks and bondage. No, not Wall Street — lest ye be tempted.

Worldly sinner, repent! Lookest thou below for details.

What working for SHAG looks like

We seek people with strong backs and stomachs who guarantee results. A daily task will be arresting criminals (a.k.a., sinners) — such as those failing to attend church without signed prior authorization — and transporting them directly to the stocks. 

Crowdsourcing — in terms of spittle spit and tomatoes hurled — is encouraged.

For those more interested in bonds, successful candidates will be familiar with both traditional ropes and iron locks; we also open to modern conveniences like unto zip ties and duct tape. We at SHAG encourage creativity! 

Feel free to branch out in any way you feel will glorify God and establish his kingdom on Earth more steadfastly at the local town hall, school, library, bowling alley, gym, supermarket, cinema, convenience store, mini-mall, and anywhere else members of your local community gather.

Those who fail to fall under your Godly authority should be reported as working with the Adversary. (For appropriate punishments, see “witchcraft.”

Benefits 

SHAG’s package includes a gym membership…of sorts. You’ll certainly be getting your exercise; most crimes (sins) merit corporal punishment, and you’ll be administering it, e.g., stripping the underperforming citizen down, and applying stern lashings. 

Do you appreciate fine leather? We equip all employees with the highest quality whips, while those on management track are encouraged to invest in their own leather gear. Reimbursement is available for those with valid receipts. 

How much exercise can you reasonably expect? We employ a sliding scale. For instance — liars and malefactors who  Godlessly— 

• inflate their social media numbers

• use an old photo on dating sites

• pretend their phone battery is dying when we call

 — will receive only a fine for their first offense. Subsequent fibs, however, will earn lashes — 10 stripes for the second offense, 15 for the second and so on. It quickly adds up to great cardio for you! 

Bonus: regulations call for offenders to be “whipped upon the naked body,” so we’ll just leave that there for now.

Responsibilities 

Let’s begin with the most important — mandatory church attendance each Sunday. Those of you who sleep in on the regular will find yourself paying a hefty fine. SHAG employees need to set a good example, so we don’t want to find you in the stocks.

Note: proper sermons last several hours, but don’t fall asleep, giggle, or whisper. Try it and find out why.

Growth areas of specialization (re: special crimes unit) include

• Kissing in public

• Celebrating Christmas, Easter or Whitsuntide.

• The revealing of ankles (women only)

• The making of toasts when drinking

• Playing of sports on Sunday

Death by Deuteronomy

For those eager to accelerate their career, here’s a few of the many crimes meriting the death penalty. We’ve included pertinent Bible verses for your convenience. 

Which Bible? Why the Geneva Bible, of course! (We’ll pretend we didn’t hear anyone mention that upstart King James.)

Fun things to execute your friends and neighbors for include

• Adultery, including if you’re only engaged — Lev. 20. 19. & 18. 20. Deu. 22. 23. 27.

• Inciting rebellion: “If any man shall CONSPIRE, and attempt any Invasion, Insurrection, or publick Rebellionagainst our Common-Wealth…he shall be put to death. Numb. 16. 2 Sam. 3. 2 Sam. 18. 2 Sam. 20.” Nothing but jail time for January 6th? Not on our watch.

• Kids being “rebellious,” to include sass-mouthing, dissing, tuning out or ignoring either parent — Deut. 21. 20. 21.

• And so much more! 

Application requirements

All who are up for the challenge of helping Cotton Mather bring back 1600s-style theocracy to America are encouraged to submit the following — 

• C.V.

• cover letter

• portfolio (if applicable) 

• In addition, please include a list of the sins you’re most interested in condemning

 — to HR@SinnersInTheHandsOfAnAngryGod.org, or visit our page on LinkedIn.

Note on the resume thing: 

• No LGBT+, women, or “false Christians,” (e.g.: Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, and most Protestants) need apply. 

• If you’re Bahá’í, Buddhist, Hindu, Jewish, Muslim, Pagan, Shinto, Sikh, Wiccan, Zoroastrian, or basically any faith that requires incense, please consider this a “hard no.” — Exod. 22. 20. Deut. 13.6. & 10. Deut. 17. 2. 6.

• If still in doubt, send a PDF of your baptism records to Human Resources and await further instructions. 

We look forward to working together to establish a government run by black-clad theologians who will run their sweaty hands all over every every moment of every day of your life—private or public—from now until you rest in the cold hard ground.

God be praised!

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