Christian Nationalists--That Sh*t Will Get You Killed in the Theocracy You Crave
Representative Lauren Boebert, please get your hands out of that guy’s pants
Dear Ms. Boebert,
It’s come to our attention that you and a number of your colleagues advocate dismantling the U.S.’s time-honored separation of church and state. You seem to have thrown your weight behind Project 2025’s aims to combine two great things that are terrible together—religion and politics—into a poisonous brew.
We’re concerned; are you aware that some of your favorite pastimes are frowned upon by not only Christianity but a majority other religions around the world? As of this writing, the world’s remaining theocracies are Afghanistan, Iran, Mauritania, Saudi Arabia, Vatican City, and Yemen. Try vaping while giving a guy a public hand job in any of these countries and see what happens next.
Oh, all but one is an Islamic Theocracy? Good point. We used to have Christian theocracies in the past, but alas, they just don’t seem to work out.
Let’s look at one example of many, and consider late 15th century Italy. Florence enjoyed a theocracy for four heavenly years of family values and Biblical living, thanks to Fra Girolamo Savonarola. In the capital of the Renaissance — home of Dante, Da Vinci, and Machiavelli — Savonarola began burning art and literature he deemed “obscene.” Sound familiar? His joyride of destruction ended only when the Florentines burned him to ash in their city’s main square.
We’ve had Bible-based government before in America, too. Who’s down for a little mandatory church attendance? Check. Only one federally sanctioned denomination allowed? Check. Taxes going to support that one denomination? Oh gosh yes, with added persecution, exile and execution of dissenters, and/or women whose children have severe deformities. Yay! Now let’s throw in strict codes of conduct for our personal lives with extreme and very public corporal punishments.
Give us a few years and we could even revisit some bitchin’ Witch Trials.
If you’re down and revving the engine for all that, we’ve got you covered. Here are the basic rules you’ll soon be living under, so let’s look at them together, shall we? To make things easier, we’ve changed the wording to suit your hip, modern sensibilities, as well as the Biblical passages so you can look this shit up.
Where shall we begin? Oh yes.
Shit that used to earn the death penalty in Puritan New England, and will again if you get your way
Death, e.g.: bringing on
Basic murder — like what we secularists call manslaughter? — Exodus 21:12-13, Numbers 35:31.
Angry murder, um…self explanatory — Leviticus 24:17, Numbers 35:20-21.
Murder through deceitful means, e.g.: poison or SWATTING (we’re looking at you, Jeremy) — Exodus 21:14.
Child rearing gone wrong
Cussing, biffing, or socking either parent (if you’re over 16, and of sound mind) — Exodus 21:17, Leviticus 20:9, Exodus 21:15.
Being “rebellious,” to include sass-mouthing, dissing, tuning out or ignoring out either parent (…if you’re male, over 16, and of sound mind, that is. Girls get a pass.) — Deuteronomy 21:20-21.
Sexy hijinks
Sweet and spicy adultery, even if you’re only engaged — Leviticus 20:19. and 18:20. Deuteronomy 22:23-27.
Long-term romance or brief fling with your favorite non-human animal. Sadly, guidance re: therians, furries, or otherkin is TBD. — Levititus 20:15-16.
Man-on-man hotness? Better erase those browsing histories now. Woman-on-woman crazy-sexy, however, only occasionally receives the death penalty, so lesbi-friends! — Leviticus 20:13.
Rape of “any maid or single woman, committing carnal copulation with her by force, against her own will that is above the age of 10 years.”
Notes on the rape thing:
No biblical precedents are stated for this, because Deuteronomy meekly lets the rapist go free with a hefty fine and a requirement to marry the victim. Cotton Mather thought this was weak tea.
No guidance is available what to do if the “maid” is younger than 10 years.
Although there’s no mention of appropriate punishment when a rape victim is married, we presume that would fall under “sweet & spicy adultery.” See above.
Political dickery
Inciting insurrection, such as against the Capitol of the United States, e.g.: “If any man shall CONSPIRE, and attempt any Invasion, Insurrection, or publick Rebellion against our Common-Wealth: or shall indeavour to surprize any Town, or Townes, Fort, or Forts therin; or shall treacherously, & persidiously attempt the Alteration and Subversion of our frame of Politie, or Government fundamentally he shall be put to death.” Numbers 16, 2 Samuel 3, 2 Samuel 18, and 2 Samuel 20.”
Note on the insurrection or rebellion thing: Jan. 6 dickwads — this means you.
Grab bag of other assorted offenses that earn the death penalty in the new Theocracy.
Being Bahá’í, Buddhist, Hindu, Pagan, Shinto, Sikh, Wiccan, Zoroastrian, or basically any faith that requires incense — Exodus 22:20. Deuteronomy 13:6 and 13:10. Deuteronomy 17:2-6.
Being a witch, a female medical professional, or just inconvenient (see: Salem, also: incense) — Exodus. 22:18, Leviticus. 20:27, Deuteronomy. 18:10-11.
Whispering “God fucking damnit” “Jeeeesus Christ!” “Jesus Tapdancing Christ on a crutch!” under your breath (but a neighbor still manages to read your lips and report you) and they don’t care that you just a) closed the car door on your finger b) dropped your cellphone in the toilet, or c) dropped your car keys along behind the cellphone and it’s all flushing happily away. Otherwise known as taking the Lord’s name in vain — Leviticus 24:15-16.
If you’re absolutely certain this is the way you want to go, after having read our helpful list, then we hope you’ll take our heartfelt advice — start behavior modification now! If you drag theocracy to America — God forbid! — pretty much everything you enjoy and have practiced to gropy-dopy perfection will earn a stiff penalty “come the revolution.”
We’re looking at you, Lauren Boebert. No more public hand jobs in the the children’s matinee, OK?
Hello there! I’m a vet who used my G.I. Bill dollars to earn an M.Div. in world religions. I’ve spent the past couple of decades exploring Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Jainism, Judaism, and Shinto, as well as traditional Incan practice. Check out some of my other Religion and Spirituality stories here.
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